breathe. damn it. breathe.

We just returned from a whirlwind trip to PA.  It was a much needed break from life here, but not without it's own stressors.  Right now I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation.

My emotions were like a roller-coaster ride I couldn't get off.  Spent an awful lot of time in my head, with the gremlin running the show...but I suppose that was to be expected.  If I was busy, I was okay.  In groups, I made it work, but left to my own devices, darkness.  I did talk about it some.  But why burden others with my grief?  There was already enough to go around.

Linda.  It's only been a few weeks since her funeral.  Joe, Tony, Nicole, and her husband did come to Christmas at Aunt Lucy's.  But there was something of an elephant in the room, a cloud.  Nicole tried to make her mother's Italian cookies...it was a good effort.

Grandpa Lajcsak.  A shell of the man he was.  Sleeps probably 20-22hrs a day.  Barely speaks or eats.  He cannot stand or even sit up on his own.  Diapers.  There is little dignity in dying.  Aunt Lucy is exhausted.  She said at one point, that she prays for the Lord to take him.  I do not blame her.  It is time.  He was a proud man, POW in Nazi Germany.  Survived the prison camps and ECT (like in the old movies you watch in school), and now he is like an infant again.  Life really does come full circle. 

If I become like that.  Please help me go.  It isn't fair to those left to care for me.  I do not want that for them.

I feel badly that I yelled at Carol.  Well, I didn't exactly yell, I was firm.  Firmer than I've ever been with her.  I have enough guilt, I didn't need it from her too.  She needed to know that the situation was not so simple.  We've protected her from a lot of what has transpired.  Her own illness would prevent her from fully understanding.  But, it became clear that she needed to know more, so that she would stop thinking the same would happen to her and Kate.

Carol is not an angry person.  She would never intentionally hurt anyone.  She has her own misery and vices, but they are not the same as his.  I also needed her not to be a martyr.  This was not her cross to bare.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve.    2010 has been one for the books.  I am glad that it is coming to an end. I am not one for resolutions, why set myself up for failure?  But, my hope for the upcoming year is to focus on me.  Take better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally--restore the balance.  To reduce my footprint, literally and figuratively. 

Physically:  lose the weight (again).  stretch.  try something new. slow down.

Mentally/Emotionally:  I see these as interconnected.  talk more.  write more.  stop stuffing the emotion.  ditch the gremlin.

practice mindfulness.
laugh.
set limits.
say no.
be me.

I'm leaving the masks behind.