hmm

Talking with our friend tonight about how her experiences as a child have overshadowed, in many ways, the quality of the relationships in her adult life.  The avoidance, resentment, fear, and depression she feels on a daily basis significantly impact her ability to communicate her hopes, fears, desires--needs, to those closest to her.  In this conversation, she also brought up another friend of hers, Gloria.  She talked about the strength of Gloria's relationship with her children and grandchildren.  She credited Gloria and her husband for the quality of their parenting, based on the decisions Gloria's children have been able to make as adults themselves.

I worry sometimes if I would be a good parent.  Fortunately, in my case there would be no 'oops', (unless through divine intervention) so there is time.  I worry that while my parents did the best they could, they will not have instilled in me what it takes.  Mostly because of their own gremlins and past experiences with their own parents.  What if I can't stop the cycle of dysfunction?

For years, I said I didn't want kids.  In fact, I often said I hated them.  But that was not true.  I think I was more afraid of them, afraid to screw them up, the way I thought I was.  But now I have changed my tune. A few of my friends have babies/small children, so sometimes I get to practice.

Truth is, kids remind me of how simple life can be.  When my friend's 3yo son runs over for me to pick him up, I melt.  Same thing last week, or the week before when my other friend's daughter was sitting on my lap eating Chinese with me.  For those moments in time, the insanity of life goes away.  My mind slows for moment.  Those three year olds aren't going to judge me, you, or anyone...as long as you are kind to them and the people they care about.

I know I shouldn't worry about how my experiences may have messed up future generations left in my care.  But, it's there...the gremlin says, 'what if you become your mother', or worse yet, my father.  I tell him to shut up, to go away.  And for the most part he does...but every once in a while he sneaks back in.  And I say to myself, 'see this is while you shouldn't have kids.'  And I stay in that space for a while. 

There's another piece of this too...when I hear about things friends did with their parents and grandparents.  Sleepovers at grandma's house, baking cookies, time with cousins.  I didn't have that.  We saw my grandparents only a few times a year.  And less as we got older.  My brother and I do not have the memories that are common around our friends.  Which again reinforces my insecurity.  What do I know about raising kids?  What sort of role model could I be?

Then I get a hug, or high-five, or kiss on the cheek...


And I snap out of it.